In September, the president and principal of Kellenberg Memorial High School, a Catholic school in Uniondale, sent a letter to a parent who complained after noticing the absence of a prom on the school calendar. The letter was circulated to all the parents and surfaced last week on the Chicago Tribune op-ed page.
Too much of a good thing: The party's over
Brother Kenneth Hoagland and Rev. Philip Eichner
Published October 23, 2005
Dear Mrs. ...,
You are correct. The school calendar does not indicate the date for a senior prom. KMHS is no longer sponsoring a senior prom. As your own letter suggests, if parents and/or seniors want a senior prom, they will have a prom, no matter what the administration says or does. In fact, that is precisely the reason why we are no longer sponsoring a senior prom--it is so ... beyond our control that it is mere tokenism to put our name on it. ... Why assume moral and legal responsibility for something that has a life of its own? ... What led to this decision? ...
- Over the years, parents have become more active in creating the "prom experience," from personally signing for [rental] houses for a three-day drug-sex-alcohol bash, to mothers making motel reservations for their sons and daughters for after prom get-togethers, to fathers signing the contract for Capt. Jim's booze-cruise out of Huntington [N.Y.] for an after-prom adventure. We have become convinced that some parents support this type of activity, some tolerate it, prefer not to see it or dismiss it as part of growing up. Some have expressed the view that it is better to lose one's virginity and get drunk before going to college, so that parents can be around to help. You figure!
- There are also pre-prom cocktail parties (real cocktails!) sponsored by parents. The limousine to the prom is also well-stocked, often with parents' knowledge. Seniors often enter the limousine with a present from home, just in case they run short.
- Each year it gets worse--becomes more exaggerated, more expensive, more emotionally traumatic. It would not have gotten this far if a significant portion of parents, either explicitly or tacitly, did not accept it or tolerate it. We are withdrawing from the battle and allowing the parents full responsibility. KMHS is willing to sponsor a prom, but not an orgy.
- Then comes the rejoinder: Yes, but why let a few spoil it for the rest! First of all, it is not just a few. Second, peer pressure and competition create an atmosphere where young people are drawn into this prom culture, which forces them to act, spend, show off, take risks. ... The prom culture is sick--from the hankering that starts in the freshman year ("I have been looking forward to this for four years"), to the preoccupation about dates, dress. ... It isn't worth it on the mature scale of things.
- Because of this hype many seniors admit later on that it was not all that they expected it to be. It was overprojected, lacked spontaneity and became an expensive formal show. In the Christian community this is called "vanity," emptiness. It is one of the capital sins. ...
- One could use the argument, which insurance personnel would advise, namely, why attach your name to something that is so prone to problems and over which you have little effective control. Good logic (and financial policy)! This argument becomes even more cogent given the rise of a sue-happy population and a cadre of unscrupulous lawyers looking for deep pockets (KMHS has experienced both). However, KMHS is not liability-shy. We are willing to take on the risks for programs that fulfill our educational mission. The culture and practice of the senior prom on Long Island can no longer justify its place in our mission, not just in our liability.
- Speaking of liability and the ease with which parents want to shift responsibility, we do have a prom story that involves all the negative aspects of current prom culture as well as a challenge to KMHS' liability. Here is the story. A senior girl was going to the KMHS prom. After the prom she wanted to go with her prom party to "party" at the family's cottage on the eastern end of Long Island. The mother said no. The girl ... stole the key without her mother's knowledge and put it in her purse. Her older sister knew what was to happen at the cottage and did not want her sister to go to the cottage after the prom. So, she secretly removed the key from her sister's prom purse. The senior went to the prom with her prom party, confident that the key was in her purse. They left the prom at the end and were on their way to the east end of Long Island when all of a sudden she could not find the key. In a panic, they returned to the location of the prom (the KMHS prom had closed) to look for the key, which, she was sure, had fallen out of her purse.
However, at the prom site were the remains of a raucous wedding celebration. Some members of her prom party got involved with some members of the wedding party. A fight ensued, well-fueled by you-know-what. The physical damage to ... [a member of] the prom party was so bad that [the person] required hospitalization. Guess what? The prom party wanted KMHS to pay for the damages, including the hospitalization, since "we did not provide adequate security for the prom party." Who needs this?
- Long Island, known in some circles as Wrong Island, [has] an alcohol culture. It starts early and never ends. Because of our affluence and arrogance everything has to be exaggerated--bigger, better, more, over the top. Our students do not learn how to drink socially. Their goal is to get roaring drunk as quickly as possible and boast about it the next day. ...
- ... Aside from the bacchanalian aspects of the prom--alcohol-sex-drugs--there is a root problem for all this and it is affluence. Affluence changes people. Too much money is not good for the soul. Our young people have too much money. ... The prom has become the occasion of conspicuous consumption--from dress, to limousines, to entertainment. ...
- Some may say: It is my money; I can do what I want with it. Well, yes, you can, but not without moral repercussions. And now we come to the heart of the matter. It is not primarily the sex-booze-drugs that surround this event, as problematic as they might be; it is rather the flaunting of affluence, assuming exaggerated expenses, a pursuit of vanity for vanity's sake--in a word, financial decadence. ...
- ... I do not intend here to give a treatise on the capital sin of avarice or greed. ... But we are concerned about how our young people are being educated in the use of wealth and the experience of power that wealth gives. ... There is a morality of money. The bad use of money or wealth in any form is immoral.
- A school establishes its academic profile to fit the goals for which the school is founded. The academic profile is complemented by an activity profile. It is through these activities that adolescents learn skills that the academic profile does not give--such as self-reliance, cooperation, loyalty, affective relationships, social consciousness, personal performance, etc. For example, physical sports or athletics are introduced into the school program, not because we are in the entertainment business, or because parents want to relive their adolescence through their own children, or because the administration is a bunch of frustrated all-Americans, but because these activities, natural to adolescents, can be a powerful vehicle for attaining the affective goals of the school. The athletic activity itself, like the senior prom, is prone to distortion. Sometimes the sport ... is no longer governed by the educational needs of the students, but by the ego-needs of the adults. Such was our experience with hockey.
After repeated attempts, we admitted defeat on two counts: The sport itself kept degenerating into physical mayhem, while the parental role and conduct of the parents was primitive. It no longer was a fit vehicle for the educational goals of the school. And so, KMHS no longer sponsors a hockey program.
- So, too, with the senior prom. ... Senior drinking parties will continue; three-day bashes will continue in the Hamptons; parents will continue to organize all these activities; a great deal of money will be spent. The only difference is that Kellenberg Memorial High School will not be part of that scene.
You are correct. The school calendar does not indicate the date for a senior prom. KMHS is no longer sponsoring a senior prom. As your own letter suggests, if parents and/or seniors want a senior prom, they will have a prom, no matter what the administration says or does. In fact, that is precisely the reason why we are no longer sponsoring a senior prom--it is so ... beyond our control that it is mere tokenism to put our name on it. ... Why assume moral and legal responsibility for something that has a life of its own? ... What led to this decision? ...
- Over the years, parents have become more active in creating the "prom experience," from personally signing for [rental] houses for a three-day drug-sex-alcohol bash, to mothers making motel reservations for their sons and daughters for after prom get-togethers, to fathers signing the contract for Capt. Jim's booze-cruise out of Huntington [N.Y.] for an after-prom adventure. We have become convinced that some parents support this type of activity, some tolerate it, prefer not to see it or dismiss it as part of growing up. Some have expressed the view that it is better to lose one's virginity and get drunk before going to college, so that parents can be around to help. You figure!
- There are also pre-prom cocktail parties (real cocktails!) sponsored by parents. The limousine to the prom is also well-stocked, often with parents' knowledge. Seniors often enter the limousine with a present from home, just in case they run short.
- Each year it gets worse--becomes more exaggerated, more expensive, more emotionally traumatic. It would not have gotten this far if a significant portion of parents, either explicitly or tacitly, did not accept it or tolerate it. We are withdrawing from the battle and allowing the parents full responsibility. KMHS is willing to sponsor a prom, but not an orgy.
- Then comes the rejoinder: Yes, but why let a few spoil it for the rest! First of all, it is not just a few. Second, peer pressure and competition create an atmosphere where young people are drawn into this prom culture, which forces them to act, spend, show off, take risks. ... The prom culture is sick--from the hankering that starts in the freshman year ("I have been looking forward to this for four years"), to the preoccupation about dates, dress. ... It isn't worth it on the mature scale of things.
- Because of this hype many seniors admit later on that it was not all that they expected it to be. It was overprojected, lacked spontaneity and became an expensive formal show. In the Christian community this is called "vanity," emptiness. It is one of the capital sins. ...
- One could use the argument, which insurance personnel would advise, namely, why attach your name to something that is so prone to problems and over which you have little effective control. Good logic (and financial policy)! This argument becomes even more cogent given the rise of a sue-happy population and a cadre of unscrupulous lawyers looking for deep pockets (KMHS has experienced both). However, KMHS is not liability-shy. We are willing to take on the risks for programs that fulfill our educational mission. The culture and practice of the senior prom on Long Island can no longer justify its place in our mission, not just in our liability.
- Speaking of liability and the ease with which parents want to shift responsibility, we do have a prom story that involves all the negative aspects of current prom culture as well as a challenge to KMHS' liability. Here is the story. A senior girl was going to the KMHS prom. After the prom she wanted to go with her prom party to "party" at the family's cottage on the eastern end of Long Island. The mother said no. The girl ... stole the key without her mother's knowledge and put it in her purse. Her older sister knew what was to happen at the cottage and did not want her sister to go to the cottage after the prom. So, she secretly removed the key from her sister's prom purse. The senior went to the prom with her prom party, confident that the key was in her purse. They left the prom at the end and were on their way to the east end of Long Island when all of a sudden she could not find the key. In a panic, they returned to the location of the prom (the KMHS prom had closed) to look for the key, which, she was sure, had fallen out of her purse.
However, at the prom site were the remains of a raucous wedding celebration. Some members of her prom party got involved with some members of the wedding party. A fight ensued, well-fueled by you-know-what. The physical damage to ... [a member of] the prom party was so bad that [the person] required hospitalization. Guess what? The prom party wanted KMHS to pay for the damages, including the hospitalization, since "we did not provide adequate security for the prom party." Who needs this?
- Long Island, known in some circles as Wrong Island, [has] an alcohol culture. It starts early and never ends. Because of our affluence and arrogance everything has to be exaggerated--bigger, better, more, over the top. Our students do not learn how to drink socially. Their goal is to get roaring drunk as quickly as possible and boast about it the next day. ...
- ... Aside from the bacchanalian aspects of the prom--alcohol-sex-drugs--there is a root problem for all this and it is affluence. Affluence changes people. Too much money is not good for the soul. Our young people have too much money. ... The prom has become the occasion of conspicuous consumption--from dress, to limousines, to entertainment. ...
- Some may say: It is my money; I can do what I want with it. Well, yes, you can, but not without moral repercussions. And now we come to the heart of the matter. It is not primarily the sex-booze-drugs that surround this event, as problematic as they might be; it is rather the flaunting of affluence, assuming exaggerated expenses, a pursuit of vanity for vanity's sake--in a word, financial decadence. ...
- ... I do not intend here to give a treatise on the capital sin of avarice or greed. ... But we are concerned about how our young people are being educated in the use of wealth and the experience of power that wealth gives. ... There is a morality of money. The bad use of money or wealth in any form is immoral.
- A school establishes its academic profile to fit the goals for which the school is founded. The academic profile is complemented by an activity profile. It is through these activities that adolescents learn skills that the academic profile does not give--such as self-reliance, cooperation, loyalty, affective relationships, social consciousness, personal performance, etc. For example, physical sports or athletics are introduced into the school program, not because we are in the entertainment business, or because parents want to relive their adolescence through their own children, or because the administration is a bunch of frustrated all-Americans, but because these activities, natural to adolescents, can be a powerful vehicle for attaining the affective goals of the school. The athletic activity itself, like the senior prom, is prone to distortion. Sometimes the sport ... is no longer governed by the educational needs of the students, but by the ego-needs of the adults. Such was our experience with hockey.
After repeated attempts, we admitted defeat on two counts: The sport itself kept degenerating into physical mayhem, while the parental role and conduct of the parents was primitive. It no longer was a fit vehicle for the educational goals of the school. And so, KMHS no longer sponsors a hockey program.
- So, too, with the senior prom. ... Senior drinking parties will continue; three-day bashes will continue in the Hamptons; parents will continue to organize all these activities; a great deal of money will be spent. The only difference is that Kellenberg Memorial High School will not be part of that scene.
1 comment:
It was interesting to read this article with a mixture of shock, flashbacks and pride.
My own high school prom experience would have classified as belonging in the article. I am really glad that my children will have another type of prom experience.
Pelican Rapids Prom is May 5, 2006.
Thankfully, the culture that this letter speaks of it not as visible in the PR community. The post prom parents (a volunteer group of incredibly hard working parents of sophmores, juniors and seniors) make sure there are plenty of activities for all who attend the post prom party. Doors are open at midnight and locked at 1 am. Over the course of the next four hours, there are games, activites, food, cards, music, places to watch videos--the kind of good, clean fun that kids can enjoy with each other. In the past years, participation at the post-prom has been 95-100% of the juniors and seniors.
As Prom "Queen", I work with the students from 4 pm to midnight throughout the grand march, dinner and dance. We also have teachers and police supervising the dance. In the past eight years, we've only had two incidences of police asking students to leave the dance. I think this is also pretty good record.
I'm not naive, and certainly not unaware that parties and high school students do happen.
But I am proud of the students and parents at PRHS who make sure that there is plenty of activity and fun for all without the excess described in this article.
Thanks to those who have supported the post prom party in the past and I hope it will continue.
Yours til the next dance
Nadine Brown
Prom Queen
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