Doors of 56572 (11)
Rent a Replikid with a Genderswitch - Your horoscope for April 2056
ARIES
MAR 21 - APR 19
You spend more EuRupees than you earn, and you're eyeball-deep in denial. And I don't mean some dried-up riverbed in the Expanded Arab Emirates. Time to max out your personal retirement account. Super-longevity ain't pretty when you're broke.
TAURUS
APR 20 - MAY 20
With deadly viruses popping up worldwide, your medicine cabinet reflects your anxiety, but beware of pharmacists preying on fear. A fixed earth sign like you doesn't need EbolAway.
GEMINI
MAY 21 - JUN 21
As an astrological twin, you may suffer from a split personality disorder. If your alter ego deliberately upstages you, increase your dosage of nano-SSRIs and give that diva a nanOD.
CANCER
JUN 22 - JUL 22
Even though SETI is fast deciphering the repeating transmission from Ursa Minor, you still feel alone in the universe. It's time to come out. With global cooling, sexy singles are flocking to that former melanoma breeding ground, the beach.
LEO
JUL 23 - AUG 22
Your Sony Dreamcatcher has logged some disturbing images. What does it all mean? Don't bother checking the oneirology index. Bit o' advice: Lay off the chimichangas before bedtime. Nighty-night.
VIRGO
AUG 23 - SEP 22
Your fluency in Punjabi, Tagalog, and American has served you well professionally and financially. But your personal life is still a monolog. Take a stratosflight to Venice - before it sinks - and learn the language of love, Italian. Ciao, bella!
LIBRA
SEP 23 - OCT 23
You crave fame but lack talent. Even Survivor: Chernobyl rejected your audition sense-vid, and your childhood memories are too - how can I put this delicately? - common to sell as a memory download. Consider being cryo-rebirthed as a Virgo.
SCORPIO
OCT 24 - NOV 21
Your addictive personality begs for salvation, but which religion suits you best? Drug addiction? Try Buddhism: Chanting = natural high. Sex addiction? Catholicism: It has teleconfession. Exercise addiction? Imagine rock-hard abs for Ramadan.
SAGITTARIUS
NOV 22 - DEC 21
The No Child Left Unassigned Act dictates the color of your nursery. But you're picky. So if your little bundle of joy arrives in the "wrong" package, consider protogynous sex reversal. Still unsure about parenthood? Rent a Replikid with Genderswitch.
CAPRICORN
DEC 22 - JAN 20
Gather the courage to nip office gossip in the bud. Venus in retrograde allows your head to rule your timid heart, even if your ticker originally belonged to a harvest clone. (I won't tell anyone.)
AQUARIUS
JAN 21 - FEB 18
Now that coalition forces are unilaterally withdrawing from North Korea, you yearn to protest some other injustice. Alas, a Jupiter-Saturn conjunction spreads international harmony for the next two weeks. Time for a much-needed holiday in Tehran.
PISCES
FEB 19 - MAR 20
Your New Year's resolution to eat right has been hampered by the confusing new GMO Food Pyramid. If tomatoes could still rot, you'd hurl them at the FDA. Time for a new resolution. How about calling your mother once a week on her implant phone?
Wired April 2005 - Jay Ruben Dayrit
Johnny Appleseed and the Golden Arches
Derrick Brun should have had a Taser?
Taser use a non-issue in today's school environment
JOE SOUCHERAY St. Paul Pioneer Press
The letters to the editor have finally heated up over a couple of pieces that appeared earlier in March about the use of Tasers in schools. The most controversial piece was written by a law professor at Hamline, Robin Magee, who not only disapproves of the use of Tasers in schools, but wondered why a stern command wouldn't solve the problem when a fight breaks out in the hallway. If a stern command still worked in the modern public high school, then why do most of them have police officers on the premises? Magee, reached Tuesday at home during the school's Easter break, said she still thinks a stern command is preferable to a Taser, which, she said, "disables.'' "A stern command from an officer works,'' Magee said, "in fact, a request from an officer should work.'' That will certainly come as a surprise to some school liaison officers. As for the use of Tasers, you can count on one hand when they have been used in such a manner that makes them newsworthy. We are not short of television newsies who think they have blockbuster video when they can show you a red mark on some kid's skin. Five will you get 10 that if you can find a red mark on somebody's skin then that kid jumped on the back of at least the third assistant principal. Most school officers will tell you that just having a Taser often is enough to diffuse a situation. It would be nice to think so, but these aren't the schools of Ricky Nelson and Wally Cleaver. There are some tough characters in the schools and not just physically tough. Many of the kids quite literally have no respect for authority. Thus, the presence of police in the schools. Most of us, including me, cannot really identify with what is going on in the schools. That's because for most of us it is inconceivable to defy a teacher or a principal, much less a police officer. There was a time when a stern command broke up an argument precisely because kids still had respect for adults. I can't imagine mouthing off to a police officer or a school administrator. I came out of the "yes sir, no sir'' era. When the Taser articles appeared on the opinion pages, I talked to a number of officers, but they were under orders not to comment to the press, especially about Magee's article. I suppose two weeks isn't enough of a statute of limitations, either. But generally speaking, the schools that have officers on the grounds want them there and do not think a Taser on the belt is a dangerous weapon. They wouldn't have it any other way. There is no changing the professor's mind, but the officers believe the Taser might very well prove to be a lifesaver. Just think. Police are made available to the schools that request them. A police officer who has worked in the schools told me how it works when trouble breaks out. The officer will get a page or some form of electronic communication that he or she is needed. Depending on where in the school the officer is needed, the officer has to stroll to the scene. There are occasions, I was told, when a running officer might as well be advertising an entertainment because a crowd would follow him. If the officer can get to the scene quietly, he can diffuse the situation and certainly most often without a Taser. If all hell would break loose, the Taser is a useful tool because it can be used to target only the perpetrator. By all hell breaking loose, I was to understand that a student — boy or girl — thinks nothing of striking back at a teacher who might reach in and try to separate the combatants. Now, it is a nice thought to think that you can stand there and in your best command voice say, "Stop that right now!" But according to the police, that doesn't work so well. Oh, it works for most kids, make no mistake. It's not as though the schools are overrun with violence. It's more to the point that when a scuffle breaks out, it can turn violent because the fighters have long since abandoned any quaint notions of propriety. If the swinging starts, they don't care who gets hit. Or, as we saw in the horrible events at Red Lake High School, who gets shot.
Joe Soucheray can be reached at jsoucheray@pioneerpress.com.
Hot off the Press
It's the middle of the week and my guess is the reason why the hit counter has been reaching record daily highs the past two days is not the Rampage at Red Lake, but people looking for the Press. I have decided not to give the Press any ink this week. There is precious little in the paper this week that you have not read here. The Lead article is about a meeting no Press reporter attended. They wrote it off the minutes of the meeting...and got it only part right. Soon the School Board will publish their meeting minutes on their website the morning after the meeting.
I am trying to prove a point that if you want fresh news free (without ads) you will keep reading 56572. If you want your 56572 news and ads stale, pay the Press. The most exciting news in the Press this week was a thoughtful letter to the Editor apropos the school bond issue. You can find this and all future letters to the editor on that subject over on 4C's. If you want Bond issue articles published in the Press, click here.
The Press needs help. Other than their reading 56572 to see what's going on in town and the world, they won't get any from me. They can come online and duke it out. Then again they could hire me and put ads all over this page.
4 hours ago
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