What happened to Donald Sorum?

As I walked in the new Grace Lutheran in Erhard yesterday for Don Sorum's memorial service people stopped me to ask, "Do you know what happened to Donny?" I did and I did not. The Coutures do and do not. What they do know they told us yesterday. They have given permission to publish Simon Foster's eulogy on 56572 so those of you asking the same question will get the same answers.


I am Simon Foster, I am Don’s brother-in-law and have known him for the last 15 years. I am honored to represent the family and his friends in giving this eulogy for Don…and passing along what many of you have shared with me and my family over these past difficult days…

I first want to say that are we all struggling to understand what happened, and why…. and I’d like to share what we know….
- Don was found by a patrolman on Sunday morning in his pickup dead of a gunshot wound.
- He did not leave a note
- He had not shown up to play cards with friends on Friday night which was not like him…
- Nor had he been to a Doctor’s appointment the previous week.

So, why did this happen?

We will probably never completely understand exactly what happened…but what we do know is that Donald struggled for years with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) as well as depression. He was properly diagnosed some 10 years ago…He went on medication that helped him control things and give him some semblance of a life. But the drugs had side effects which were about as difficult as the OCD itself. We learned yesterday that he had stopped taking his medication some time in the last couple of months. The problem was that he would then experience the extreme highs and lows of the OCD and frankly not be in total control of himself….his doctors have shared with us, that OCD…at its worst…can give you delusions and waves of intrusive thoughts….he may have heard voices that told him to do this…we don’t know…

At this point it looks like he had got himself into a deep low last week, stopped seeing friends and family, missed his doctor’s appointment and early on Sunday morning drove out to Maple Lake and took his life. As his doctor shared with us yesterday, “Mental illness is a disease that can kill people, and it killed Don”…we cannot imagine how he must have felt…we will probably never understand, at least not in this world…

As someone with SAVE (Suicide Awareness Voices of Education) shared with our family this week:
“It is always overwhelming when someone takes his or her own life (in this case it was their 24 year old daughter). For the survivors, there are so many: "if only, if only, if only...". However, for the sufferer, it is not a matter of choice when things get to this point - that choice had been narrowed to one. The goal is to make the pain stop.

So what about Don’s life?

Don was born on July 20th, 1965 in Pelican Rapids hospital, the third of four children - Julie reports (sorry Nikki and Cindy) that Don was the best baby that Julie had - by far the easiest to take care of….When Don was barely two though, he lost his father who was killed in an electrical accident…so Jack came into his life after that and was the only Dad that Don ever knew…

The kids had a wonderful childhood growing up living on a farm for many years and getting into all kinds of trouble that kids do. Don was never agile physically and had a knack for getting stitches when he was a kid.…
- One time….while in Kindergarten he was on the wooden teeter- totter and got a sliver in his bum…but he was so embarrassed he didn’t tell anyone until that evening, by which time the area was so swollen the sliver had to be cut out.

Don had a love of nature and in second grade was a keen entomologist knowing all their Latin names. He loved to collect bugs and reptiles and there was the time that he brought a paper bag of garter snakes for “show and tell” in elementary school.

- Later, at Gelco, where Don worked, he kept a 20 gal fish tank by his desk. If you had a question on how to care for your pet, he was the guy to go to. He would talk to his fish and they would actually listen. If the fish got out of hand and started splashing in the tank, Don would say "Settle down now!", and they would stop. He would faithfully clean the tank by emptying part of it and then filling it again with a 5 gal bucket full of water from the utility closet. A friend related that when Don found out that this friend could not lift a 5 gal bucket of water over his head, he teased me mercilessly.

Don loved water… he could float and swim for hours without effort.
He loved to Scuba dive…something he learned in the Marines…

Our son Sam relates the story when he was younger and keen on fish – he brought a book of tropical fish to Famous Dave’s, and Don was there and amazed Sam by naming just about all the fish in the book…
- Then there was the time, in 1991, when the family took a vacation to St.Thomas in the Virgin Islands…and Don proceeded to swim around Magan’s Bay, with fast and dangerous currents in the bay, for over two hours…and later told Julie that he could have been out there for another two it was so much fun, and so effortless…
Don graduated from Pelican High School in 1983. He attended Moorhead State University for two years. After two years, he decided to transfer to the U of MN where his brother Todd was just finishing his fourth year. He had made arrangements and was going to live with Todd and start his third term. But all those plans were crushed … when his beloved brother Todd was tragically killed. Don, like the rest of the family, was devastated…..

He struggled at the U of MN after Todd’s death… ….so in the spring he signed up for the Marines and joined them in September.

Julie argued with him “Why the Marines, it’s doesn’t seem to fit you; it’s the toughest”…Don replied that that was exactly why he had chosen to join them, to prove to himself he could do it. He served a 6 year term, during which he was trained in electronics and avionics.

He served in the Marine Corps from 1986-1992, which included active duty during Desert Storm. He served a year in Japan in 1990. He was honorably discharged. Don often said that it was when he was on the ship for nine months at sea….that he got the OCD…he said the water tasted oily and contaminated, so didn’t drink enough and got an bad kidney infection and that that’s when the OCD feelings started….

I first met him in 1992, the same year that Nikki and I moved to Minnesota and our first child was born – Marielle: who is sitting there…Nikki and I would ask Don to babysit at times, although to be honest this was not one of his core skills. We’d get home and the kitchen would look like a bomb had hit it, there would be loud (I mean very loud) heavy metal music on, and Marielle would be sitting on the floor with an extremely messy diaper on, bopping her head to the rock music…

Right after he came out of the Marines, he went to Florida for a few months and then returned to Minneapolis to enter Dunwoody Institute to train as a tool and dye specialist. He was successful at this but learned that the only jobs available were machining, not the tool and dye work he wanted to do. It was during this time that he was really struggling with untreated OCD…he confessed to Julie that he would sometimes get these awful feelings talking to people, these invasive thoughts….He would try to drown his pain with drink…trying to self-medicate. He became afraid…this wasn’t like him, and he reached out for help and went to the VA to get treatment. The doctors there put him on strong drugs that helped him cope, but that had some nasty side effects as I’ve mentioned…

In 1996 or 1997, he switched into computer programming, and then later joined Gelco as a Customer support and IT specialist. He only thought this was going to be for a short time since he really wanted to do computer programming…but it turned out to be 6 years…I think mainly because he made many friends there and it was some stability…
Richard Owen, the former mail delivery guy at Gelco, reached out to tell us:
“Don always had a good sense of humor. He was friendly and well read. Very intelligent, but never made you feel bad about it. Don would always talk with me, treated him with respect, which wasn’t always the case with other people…Also, he would tease me about my grammar and correct my word usage…but did it in a way that never made me feel bad.”

The items found in Don’s truck seem to symbolize his wide interests…For example:
- His pool cues- He was a talented pool player…His team members were very proud of him (some of you are in the congregation today): They relate:
“On several occasions during our pool tournaments we always had Don lead the way for us by playing the first match which led to several victories. His lead gave us the confidence to win the night, helped us to assess the other team’s strength and weakness in terms of coaching, player selection for the match etc. He was a committed individual who was always there way before anybody else, to get his warm-up games in and be ready to go during the tournaments. The void that has been created by him in our team on both nights (Tuesday night and Thursday night teams) cannot be replaced by anybody. He will be missed dearly in our team. …”
- A book on SQL programming reflecting his study of computer programming.
- His swimming trunks – there’s his love of water
- A couple of books on resume writing showing that he was looking to the future.

He loved to hunt…Reid Halstenrud had this to share:
“Last Fall we went to Don's Aunt and Uncle's property to deer hunt. We had a great time, it was my first time meeting everyone and I do not remember everyone's names, but it was one night that Don's Uncle Charles decided to burn the pile that had been collecting for a while across the road. We got some beer and thought it would be fun to sit and watch the fire. Well, it got out of control pretty fast with the wind and started to spread. We all got shovels to keep the fire from spreading and it got pretty tense for a minute. Fire departments from two counties arrived, even though there was a burn permit, and ultimately the fire trucks were not needed. Well, it all ended safely and we had a good laugh.

Reid continues: “I have only hunted a few years and do not yet have a buck to my name. But, now whenever I hunt, I will be thinking of this last hunt with Don. And, in case I do not see any deer, I will be thinking of how our trips up North were always fun anyway, because being with friends makes it all worth while.”

- And a guy that had a world view…

Earlier this year Don left Gelco and talked about going to a south Pacific island…he was always quite pessimistic about the way the world was going, and seemed to take the world’s problems onto his own shoulders…this may have been his idea of a safe haven from these problems…As it turns out this is about the same time that we now know that he stopped taking his medications on a regular basis…and must have exposed himself to the un-medicated effects of the OCD…

So how do people remember Don?

What’s been interesting to me this week as I have made and received many calls to friends, colleagues and family…is how consistent these remembrances have been…so here are the six common themes they had to say….

1) He was very intelligent and well-read
- he could talk at length on wide range of subjects – Global warming, the war in Iraq, the low national savings rate…
- Friends often said he was like an encyclopedia to them; he always seemed to know something about everything…
- None of the family ever did seem to win an argument with him…

2) He had a great sense of humor
- He loved to tease people. This was a sign that Don liked you….his friends always enjoyed his quick witted humor. He was always able to give everyone a good laugh even during the most serious discussions…
- His friend Laxmi relates…
“I invited my friends and their families for 2005 Thanksgiving dinner at my house. When I extended the invitation to Don during our regular pool night, the first thing that came out of his mouth - "Did I hear him say that he is hosting a traditional turkey dinner - So we are having a Turkey Dinner at a Indian Indian house - Isn't the Turkey dinner supposed to thank the Indians". At the time when we heard him say this, it was funny, because it is not common to see people in India eating Turkey. None of us in our circle of friends thought about it, but he was able to come up with something so quick. This shows his quick witted humor.
-
- Then there was the time he and Lucas, who is six now but was four at the time, went belly to belly during a family party…Don had once had a hernia, and the operation had removed Don’s belly button. So he was teasing Lucas that he didn’t have a belly button…did Lucas? So Lucas dares Don and promptly lifts up his shirt to compare belly buttons; well Lucas was shocked, and thought for a second…whereupon he drops his pants and says I have a weenie….I bet you don’t have a weenie…… ….well, Don thought this was hilarious and so did Aron who was also in the room….Nikki saw this exchange from our kitchen and came rushing into the room shouting Don…NO…NO…don’t do it….!!

3) He was honorable.
- He would always show up to pool tournaments on time. He would be the first to get his practice games in, and to warm up and be ready to play…
- If he got into debt, then he would pay it back as soon as he could. Indeed he had no debts or unpaid loans when he died…

4) He was courageous.
- He went into the Marines and proved himself…
- He was also not shy about voicing his opinion…It didn’t matter what stance he took, he always answered truthfully and honestly to what he believed. Friends gave him credit for that, as most people don’t have the backbone to voice opinions that directly or strongly…

5) He had a great compassion…and a knack for giving memorable gifts…
- He befriended Jim Olsen (who cleaned cars in the basement at Gelco along with his slightly disabled and grumpy dog…Don was never afraid to pet the dog, which he’d do every time he went down there, and was often bitten for his trouble…
- Then there was the time he gave Mrs Dolores Kapaun (his 3rd grade teacher) a coin from Netherlands (the family took a trip there in the Spring of 1974) she wore around her neck for a long time afterwards
- More recently, he gave Lucas some toy metal planes…to this day he still plays with them…they are by far the best present he EVER got

And 6) He had an amazingly diverse and eclectic group of friends…
- He befriended many diverse and interesting friends of all ages, especially those who were open, honest and straightforward … maybe his best friend in the 1990’s was Emil Drayton, who he used to go hunt deer with and tell stories until Emil, in his middle 90’s passed away
- If you are indeed judged by the friends you keep, then Don was a prince…old, young, able, not able, and folks with a wide range of ethnic backgrounds- people of the world in fact, made all the more striking by the fact that Don grew up in northern MN. He’d befriend anybody that was intellectually interesting and straightforward to him: Many of you are here today…

Not sure about you, but I hope I can look my maker in the eye and be able to say I lived these same six wonderful qualities…

In closing, our family and especially his Mom Julie would like to share the following thoughts with you…so that some good can come out of this tragedy…She said:
1) Don’t be Minnesota nice – don’t be silent about mental illness. It is a disease that in its most extreme forms can kill people. Like cancer, like heart disease.
2) And if anyone has a loved one suffering from mental illness, be sure they are getting competent medical help. Then - talk with others about the problem so that as a family and a community we can all work together to help those who suffer. Maybe we can stop another family from suffering the kind of loss that our family is suffering.
3) And lastly and most importantly, tell your loved one that you are there for them for whatever they need and that you love them. Don’t be shy, don’t be ashamed and never, ever be silent.

We miss you very much Don...we all hope and pray that you are in a better place…