WHTT

Roger Pinckney left a literary void when he left Otter Tail County to return to his Blue Roots on Daufuskie. Alan Linda from Boatville, fills part of it from over on the east side. He is a Tuesday columnist in the largest Otter Tail County newspaper, the Fergus Falls Daily Journal. His articles are archived. I liked the essay the day before Valentine's Day:

Perhaps I was wrong some time ago when I speculated that the worst words a guy can hear at the beginning of a conversation with a woman are: "I've got bad news."

In fact, I've changed my mind; they're not the worst at all. They're bad, but the worst-the ones that really that strike abject fear into the male heart, are: "We need to talk."

Except for a couple of examples and some narrative to flesh all this out, most guys will agree with me that this subject really doesn't need much more discussion; that this is all they want to hear about it, let's go clean manure out of the calf pen or get that root canal taken care off-something more fun.

"I've got bad news" does in fact seem to be the standard conversation opening gambit employed by anyone possessing one or more ovaries.

The first thought that pops up here is: Do they use this on one another, woman to woman? Or is this particular little combination of words solely used with males, through some mistaken belief that it shows a certain respectful trepidation of mechanical things? Kind of an I-don't-know-what-the-big-deal-is-but-I'm-cool-with-machines feeling.

That's usually where it's used, as in: "I've got bad news, the red light is on in the car."

Him: Well, dear, maybe it isn't so bad. (His guts are twisting up into knots. It's bad. Other Guys will make fun of him.) How long has it been on?

Not too long, maybe since the girls and I went to Fargo last week? Is that long?

Well, dear, maybe not.

Her: I don't see why we need a red light to tell us to put windshield washer fluid in anyway.

IT"S THE WINDSHIELD WASHER FLUID LIGHT? NOT THE OIL LIGHT?

Uh huh. Why? Does that matter?

There you have it, the typical conversation with a woman that has opened with the "I've got bad news" warning. One really has to think they're just trying to connect, even though they don't have a clue how terrifying are the results of mechanical malfeasance to a male.

Women don't generally acknowledge these messages. They rely instead on faith and patience with The Machine Gods; that those squeaks and vibrations are mere tests of faith, and mean nothing more; that if women as machine operators are patient and nurturing, the knocks and shakes won't get worse.

"I've got bad news," therefore, mostly involves things with two or more moving parts.

Which brings us to what appear to be the really terrifying words with which women open up conversations with men: "We need to talk."

It's going to involve a long and torturous discussion of stuff regarding COMMUNICATION, and RELATIONSHIP, and YOUR SHORTCOMINGS thereof.

An example is in order:

Her: We have to talk.

Him: AAAIIIIEEEEEGGGGGHHHH! Let's try again:

Her: We have to talk.

Him: What did I do now? (Sound familiar? Conversations that women begin with WHTT ( We have to talk) never involve a woman's shortcomings. Just his. Just to prove this:

Her:WHTT.

Him: Uh huh. What about?

Her: I made a mistake and I'm sorry. I'll be your slave forever.

Yeah, right! Here's what is gonna happen.

Her: WHTT.

Him: Ooookkkaaayyyy.

Her: You remember Ann, the lady I introduced you to in church the other day? She just moved back to town?

Him: Hmmmm.

Her. You never mentioned that you two went steady back in high school?

Him: I didn't think it was important. (Guys, it really isn't, is it? To us. Really.)

Her: Wipe that silly look off your face. You're in big trouble here, mister. (She begins to cry. Oh, man. That's really cheating. You never follow WHTT with tears. WHTT always involves an argument, followed by two days of the silent treatment, and a slow glacier-paced thawing.)

Him: (Thinking fast, as the eternal instinct for survival kicks in.) She hates you, you know.

Her: (Momentarily distracted.) Why?

Him: Because you're thinner and better looking than she is.

This one is over. This guy remembered the magic words. But next time, he won't be so lucky.

Neither will you.

Alan Linda writes from his New York Mills home.